I can not believe I am actually able to express my feelings about FINALLY having a child! Baby Jones has been a long time coming... the struggles, the battles and the good news. I'm not holding anything back in this post, I want everyone to personally feel the deep struggle it took to get to this joyous moment!
BEFORE BABY J
My husband and I have struggled with conceiving for a long while. We have been together for 9 years and married for 5 years... within that time we never conceived, there were no "oops" moments, not even a maybe "oops" moment. We didn't actively "try" until we got married, and by then we had no idea how hard it could really be. We had so many friends who were just popping out babies like it was no big deal. It definitely frustrated me. FAST FORWARD a few years into our marriage and I found out I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) ovaries produce cysts and it can be harder for women to conceive. (For more information please click here) Talk about utter devastation. Conceiving isn't impossible, and there are so many wonderful stories of couples being able to conceive without medication or hesitation, but nonetheless it's something that made me think I was "broken". I did my research and I even joined a few groups where women helped each other cope with having PCOS. It helped a bit... but in these groups women were able to get pregnant and more of my friends were just popping out more babies. The feelings I felt were so mixed and jumbled, not only was I extremely happy for these people but I was also cringing and felt like breaking down.
My husband was so supportive and never made me feel "broken" but it was how I saw myself. Through this we had several rough patches in our lives and marriage, it wasn't anything my husband was doing wrong, it was how I saw myself and how I perceived life.. it was as though I wasn't worthy enough for respect and love. I pushed away from my marriage, from my family, and from my friends and focused on myself on my personal needs and wants (not in a healthy way either). I understand people need to pull away to focus on themselves but this was me hanging out with the wrong crowd (yes unfortunately even adults can get mixed up with "bad" people), drinking alcohol more often, and involving myself in not so healthy situations. It really broke my marriage, and it really broke me as a person.
Somehow someway my husband NEVER gave up and never left my side... once I realized "goodness, this man really does love me through thick and thin... for better and worse..." I changed. Right then and there I made a vow to not only myself but for and to my marriage that I was going to be a better wife and a better person overall. I read more on self-help books, stopped drinking as much or didn't drink at all, removed toxic people from my life, and focused on my marriage, family and real friends.
THE PROCESS
As I was getting back to reality and trying to better myself my husband and I actively tried to conceive. But it never failed month after month that stick would come back negative. I would cry myself to sleep or feel broken all over again. I can not express enough how awful of a feeling it is for a woman to feel like they aren't worthy when it comes to being able to conceive or have children. The pain is so incredibly defeating, I have never wanted to give up on EVERYTHING than I did in those moments. Just thinking about those moments now bring me to tears. After these devastating moments, we decided as a couple to seek other options. We did our research and started tracking my ovulation, eating certain foods, staying away from certain foods, and trying anything "natural" that would help. NOTHING. Back to the drawing board... next we visited an Infertility Clinic. We were extremely hopeful, we got to sit and talk to a doctors and experts and come up with a plan and how we can start the first steps into figuring out how to really manage this situation. But after sitting down as a couple and realizing maybe we weren't in the right place financially we opted out. Every single test was going to cost thousands of dollars and our health insurance just didn't cover any of it. Back to the drawing board again... this is where we came to a decision together, a decision that shaped us as husband and wife. Maybe kids were not in our life plan. We have two incredibly smart and healthy pups that we adore as our children, and we had each other. Through ALL of our ups and downs we still had each other, and that's what mattered most at this point.
SWEET SWEET LOVE
So we focused on each other, our marriage and relationship has been the strongest it has ever been. We found a deep appreciation for each other, we found that young love we once had, and this time we were never letting it go. OK, do not get me wrong this does not mean we still don't bicker or get on each other's nerves... that's kind of inevitable in any relationship. But the way we argued and bickered was less aggressive and hurtful. We grew up so to say. We really fell deeply in love with each other. We also focused on our careers. Hubby put more into his job and his hobby for marine life more than ever, he really lights up when he talks about his fish tanks and I just love it! I also focused on college more and began to make the dean's list semester after semester. I also landed a pretty cool job doing what I love... graphic design! The thought of children crossed our minds here and there but it wasn't near as much as it was. FAST FORWARD one night we went out with a couple of friends, baby talk came up again among my group of best friends. I had expressed that I've had the usual symptoms that I had every month (sore breasts, moody). We even jokingly said "heres to hoping I'm pregnant" cheers over a shot. I honestly wasn't going to get my hopes up and it was just a joke. I took a pregnancy test the very next day well because my girl friends kept asking me too and were curious as usual it came back negative, once again I cried a bit but I moved on. Went about my work week and continued to focus on things that were here in the present.
SURPRISE!
I was due for a 'Well-Woman' exam with my OBGYN so I scheduled an appointment, the following week and I was going to talk about my infertility options again.. all the baby talk between my girl friend got my curiosity and truthfully I just wanted to get more information. Research never hurt right?! The day before my appointment, I called my husband and expressed how I was so nauseous all day, and by the end of the day I was so exhausted I had to call him just so he could keep me awake on my drive home. Once again I jokingly said "you would think I'm pregnant or something" we of course chuckled it off because I had JUST took a pregnancy test and it was negative. He said maybe you are just coming down with something or just tired. The day of my appointment my husband decided to take off and come with me, which is unlike him but we just wanted to make sure I wasn't sick or really coming down with something... plus it also gave us some time to spend with each other. Sitting in a room full of pregnant women I whispered to my husband, seeing all these women upset me but it is also so cute. Maybe one day. Finally sitting in the room waiting for the doctor, I went over the usual questions with the nurse... yes I have PCOS, yes I missed a cycle but that's totally normal with PCOS not thinking much of it. Blah blah blah.
Sitting there twirling my thumbs not really thinking too much.. the nurse comes back into the room and says "um your test was positive." I paused and was like "ummm what test?" She exclaimed "your pregnancy test!" I stuttered and choking out "WHAT?" The nurse proceed to say "yes you are pregnant." I instantly bawled! Not only was I totally not expecting her to say that but NOTHING prepared me for her to say that!!! She then said "I noticed your husband is in the waiting room would you like me to bring him back here." I just shook my head yes. Waiting for him to get to that room was the longest 5 seconds EVER!! As soon as he stepped in and she slammed the door behind him.. I hesitated (I never imagined being able to utter these words to him...) I simply blurted out "I'm pregnant" He kind of paused and said "What?" I repeated myself and said "I'm pregnant". His eyes filled up with tears and he walked over to me and rubbed my back then he sat down and just looked at me. We sat like that for what seemed like forever but it had to be no more than a few seconds. I said yes I know I'm stunned too. The nurse practitioner came in and examined me guesstimated how far along I was and we just sat there in silence. We were both stunned and could not believe after EVERYTHING we have been through this is FINALLY happening. I still thought they were going to come in and tell us there was a mix up and they were wrong. Luckily we were able to get an ultrasound technician and that's when reality hit us both. We saw the tiny baby on a screen and got to see the small flicker of a heartbeat. It was one of the most amazing moments in our lives, probably the best moment in our lives!
The next couple of days included telling our family and friends sharing this joyous moment and intaking every second of this wonderful miracle.
I honestly can not wait to continue to share these moments. I know I have been a little MIA, but for good reason. We are currently 9 weeks and 4 days and Baby J is due April 2019 a little early to announce but we just couldn't hold it back any longer!! I get to finally shout it from the roof tops and share this amazing moment in my life!!
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